Heather L. Barmore
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    Change In Action at Babble Voices

    Wednesday
    Oct122005

    Vestirse

    "Carelessness in dressing is moral suicide." ~Honoré de Balzac

    An email to LB from a few months back, when I first started working;

    I had such a great morning. I had a good run and it was cool outside. I found something presentable to wear, but cute. I used enough frizz-ease (God Bless John Frieda) and my hair is under control. The shower wasn't too hot because it's below 211 degrees outside. I had my lunch ready to go-leftovers from last night. I got breakfast at my new favorite place, by far the best breakfast sandwich ever.Then what happens..? I go to the bathroom and realize that everyone and their brother is able to see my bright red Victoria secret boy cuts through my skirt. Normally in this situation I would just take them off, but I can't because my mo-fo Aunt Flo is visiting.
    Welcome to my world.
    Love,
    HB

    You would think that a girl who flaunts her Coach, Anthropologie and Stuart Weitzman’s would be able to dress herself? Oh you would think; but alas not. I just noticed that once again, when standing in the right light, you can see right through my red Ann Taylor skirt*. For the record, yes I am wearing pink CK undies. Have I ever mentioned my black linen skirt that my MOM informed was COMPLETELY see thru, in Martha’s Vineyard over Labor Day, when OF COURSE I had worn the fucking things about 40 different times. Because this is DC where linen is needed during the summer months. See thru linen if your name is HB.

    I need a personal shopper or at least someone to tell me “Hey, I can see your pink thong!” before I leave in the morning.

    *I wrote this yesterday. Today I'm wearing pants, thank God, and my pink Polo sweater.
    Tuesday
    Oct112005

    Routine

    "If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit

    One of the things I dislike most about myself (besides my lack of hotness. Ha!), is that I spew things out without fully thinking about what I'm saying or without explanation. I do it so often and then later in hindsight I realize what I've done. I contemplate retracting things that I've said and/or done, but no. That's not what needs to change. I read about this last week. That part of what makes someone an adult is the ability to edit oneself. I don't think that I need to edit myself to feel more like an adult. But I do need to realize how I approach things and situations and how they make me feel in the long run. It's not necessarily editing yourself, because when that happens-at least for me-everything is held in and I become a passive aggressive person who is upset all the time. That's not what I want. And that doesn't make me an adult, it makes me cranky.

    60% of the time, I let what other people think and say and their moods, affect my mood. It's not work that's the problem and definitely not the place I work (I've said it time and time again that I have always wanted to work here), it's that I let what others do define my mood.
    It's more about how I react to how the people around me are than getting frustrated.

    This morning, during a routine scheduling meeting, something sunk in. Something that I can't quite get my finger on, but a realization that things aren't always sempiternal and that I can do more to make things less routine, but in a way things are starting to become more normal. I will at least for many years, have four people tell me to do the same thing. There will be a Mr. Lumbergh in every office. And sometimes people just won't say good morning before asking you to do something. And sometimes people just blatantly ignore me. These are things that I cannot change and I can complain about them to everyone and their brother (and I will), but it's best to not let things that cannot be changed by me alone, upset me.

    It's just how things are; how people are. I can let it all make me more neurotic and upset or I can just let it go and move on. I'll choose the latter. And that's what will make me more of an adult.

    *Addendum: I just received a pep talk of the "No you don't suck you're doing great so stop being a neurotic freak and taking things personally or I will have to drop kick your ass" variety. And just then, the smallest of smiles, crossed my face.

    *Addendum part II: Sometimes it's smart to not ask questions. And don't even attempt to think of a reason for why people think the way they do, because in this world you will meet some very special people. Just roll with it. No worries, it will become routine.
    Monday
    Oct102005

    Note to Self

    When checking your work email at 11:30PM on your day off, makes you anxious and almost to tears, because someone has pretty much told you on numerous times how much you've done wrong and you continuously feel patronized; there's a problem.

    This is going to be one of those situations in which I can let other people define my mood and how I feel about myself or I can just say, I'm doing the best that I can and if that's not good enough, tell me and I will attempt to do better. Because I must say at this point, I'm really fucking sick and tired of feeling like this. Feeling inept and like I'm a constant fuck up. You know what, I'm not.

    There's a huge problem when one goes to work and is thisclose to tears every minute of the day. What the hell is wrong with me?? Yes, this is an adjustment period and yes this is hard, but my God, I spend everyday waiting for someone to tell me what I've done wrong. Even my days off, I know that somewhere someone is saying that I've done something terrible.

    Enough. I've had it with myself and the fact that I have been letting other people make me upset and anxious and in need of (more) therapy.

    I'm going to have one last good cry about work (since that's what I've done 75% of the time for the past two months) and I'm going to bed. In the morning, I will get up and run and go into work and I will be damned if I'm letting someone else's mood affect how I feel, because this is getting pretty fucking ridiculous.

    (ahhhhh that felt better)